I try to tell myself daily that I shouldnt feel sorrow for my loss, but appreciate the fact I had a great father for 23 years of my life. More than likely hush money to me. Hope everyone comes together and shares there thoughts and thanks for me letting this out . The school counselor told us and Sean that he was faking it for attention. i was the last one to see him, i was the last one to kiss him, hug him, touch him, talk to him, even cry with him. That wasnt my daddy. Sometimes he was better, but when I look back, its so obvious how bad he was. However, just a few days ago, my friend texts me again to say that she did go to the viewing and met TJs parents and they told her that he had hung himself. Theyre grieving their child, and the only one they have left is at fault. I dont k is why he did this. Seek them out and help yourself live a better life. You need to find people who Would say together we wil,we must get through one get our life on truck. I have let everyone who loved him know how he died, so that they can also recognize the tragedy for what it is, and remember and pray for his soul, accordingly. Weve talked about this and many apologies have come from all of this and yet I still often found myself either lecturing or complaining in some manipulative way, this includes the day my brother died. Isabelle Siegel July 26, 2022 at 6:09 pm Reply, Chris, I am so sorry to hear that youre going through this and that youre in such pain. I cant go to his funeral or my son because he loves to far, IsabelleS October 1, 2020 at 10:12 am Reply. I realized that many, many people who knew my son were hurting. The reason is that it contains what is know as the Shadow Factor. he knew he was dying from the alcohol. I wish i could say 22. I can only hope more time will heal my heart and painI just pray hes resting in peace, My brother also killed himself earlier this year and its the first Christmas without him hereI have been dreaming more about him lately and it is so sad. I cant unfeel what I felt, I cant unsee what I saw. Im so sorry for your loss. My mom killed herself less than a week ago. Hard. And let me add that the girl he had a crush on was the most special of all of them. I respect everyones right if they prefer not to use the word commited , but that is a word I do choose to refer to how my son ended his life. My brother had been talking of suicide for 4-5 years. 7.3K views, 117 likes, 2 loves, 15 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Judge Judith Sheindlin: Political campaign; countersuits. I just lost my son to apparent suicide, although he is listed in the archives as missing. I feel so lonely. It had only been 36 hours since she had greeted me kindly from her front porch. He was stubborn, he wouldnt answer the phone or texts so Id have to get to him through calling my parents. Sometimes I think I did too much, and perhaps thats why was hard for him. Its a lonely existence because I think friends avoid me so we dont have to talk about it or they don t know what to say. Strange comments about death, or how he crashed his car because the fell asleep at the wheel due to sleep apnea problems( having shared a bedroom for years with this person I can attest to the vast array of noises he made in his sleep the snoring and teeth grinding omg!) One day, I guess she was just done. I believe that hed have taken his own life much sooner if it hadnt have been for me. I live in different state and i could not find the time to visit her, instead we spoke on chat, our mutual good friend was visiting her as much as he could. She was 25 & had depression. I think the biggest difference between the two of us is that back at the end of 2015 I sought out therapy and was put on an antidepressant. We didnt always agree but I know it was just about business and that he was a great guy. Tomorrow is my birthday and I cant bare celebrating another birthday or any holiday or anything for that matter without him. Im mad, Im crying all the time, and none of this makes sense at all. I keep going back trying to figure out how I could have changed this tragic outcome. I have his 25th birthday is 3/21 and then the anniversary of his death. Stigmatized losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses, which you can readmore about here and here. I read somewhere that children of parents who commit suicide are 50/50 in following in their footsteps. I cant help but think how did this happen to MY family? I have reached out to a counselor I know I need help. He was jealous and overprotective at times. I didnt. This sentence broke my heart. I am so very worried for my son. Hopefully youll manage to settle yourself the way you need, too. God bless everyone. and in Isaiah 60: 1 Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you. When he got inside my papa told him. I think about her in the same way you do your brother. in fact, you may find it very comforting as well. I cant loose him too, Sharon September 23, 2020 at 4:48 pm Reply. i miss him so much he was my best friend. He recently got fired from two jobs due to anger problems and had been drinking heavily. He texted me that he was sorry right before he did it and we talked on the phone earlier that morning. I didnt know him for very long but I feel so confused. She had attempted it 3 other times that I know of when we were together. Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 12:25 pm Reply. While everyones journey is unique, numerous patients with paranoid schizophrenia are effectively treated and cured with their mode of treatment. we all need to come together and support one another in hard times like these. Thats the only way I will ever say it. It is harder for me to wake up somedays And Im sure it hurts u. I am going to start something to help people in need. They note: Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide, they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.. He was my best friend. Tears are healing. Kelly McLaughlin August 20, 2020 at 12:26 am Reply. But later insinuating thats just what he told the police. Right there with you. I know it feels Impossible. I won't ever forget everything he said. I moved him back to our home after his 2nd attempt and also sent him to a rehab centre in KZN. Then three months later that feeling got a little better: I knew I was alive but still, I felt a black cloud over my head. There is a type of therapy called EMDR that can be particularly helpful when youve witnessed such a difficult death. My dad took his life October 13, 2017. Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. It is impossible to know exactly what dreams mean, but typically dreams like this are our subconscious trying to work things out. My brother took his own life then a week later my dad died of cancer even after 3 years I still cant seem to get over either of them. She made plans, danced, played piano. Im trying to be here for my family her siblings her mother etc.. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. Both of my brothers killed them selves. If you are reading this please email me at sabrena.dawn7@gmail.com I would really like to even just talk to you and I would really like to listen. Dak Prescott just revealed his older brother took his own life this past spring . We had lost my husband of 59 years her Daddy a little over a year ago. It was like the one person you connect with and you just cant explain it. Dear Linda, I am so sorry for your loss. Jeff had attempted suicide multiple times since 2014. Hugs and prayers to you, I hope you found a support group. This man was the definition of pure. mom: I love you .. that was it no letter no nothing no warnings. Please stay strong and reach out for help, it might be easier because you live in the city. My mom kept him from his dad until her was old enough to move in with him. I suffer from addiction and severe depression. And I dont know her friends from the time period when she died so theres nobody to talk to. We live with the what ifs and whys everyday. Since I worked full time at night, at 2pm on the day he died, I told him I needed to get some sleep. Just a year and a half after my mom, when . So much more I cannot fit here now. To help myself and my family move on from this tragic incident we started a foundation to help others going through what my brother faced Varmans Smile Foundation. These things wont fix our grieving but more or less help us in the process. Thank you again for this website and this article! This has been a roller coaster of emotions because he was the perfect man when things were good, but when stress/ anxiety/ depression/ life situations took over, all those uneasy feelings kept coming back. My support network has diminished since her death. How our hearts broke for him and his dream of simply being normal teenager, to have friends, to belong. Katie, just hang on for your child and things will get a little better as you watch your child grow up. SEEK out ongoing support/medical treatment. He didnt live any note and he didnt say anything to me. I thought he had hit his head on some metal struts he has for a car lift. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me. Maybe your relationship with your dad is strained, but that doesnt mean your feelings toward him are lacking relationships are always complicated, and its okay to be angry or spiteful toward him; its okay to still be upset that he is sick while still being angry and distant; its okay to not be all too bummed out about it, too. He was my favorite person as what he never did was give up. I was the wrong one. (After piecing together that he was having withdrawals all weekend) Sunday came and my mom said around 12 pm he left the house. However, her mental health was clearly deteriorating the past year. Almost exactly 1 year ago , August 2nd,2017 he committed suicide. I wish I could of been what my wife desires. It meant to much to me and continues to mean so much to me, to know that, at least twice a month (our group meets twice a month), I can be assured that I can be real with others who have walked a similar path. That tiny part of you thats still alive. Jim in VA March 24, 2019 at 8:22 am Reply. i miss her so much. The men we think are the strongest sometimes are the ones in the most pain and best at hiding it. My sister died in 2012 which tore me apart. It was going to happen despite every intervention. Just doesnt make sense. i loved him and i do not think it is a selfish disease and i truly dont think it will ever stop because no one talks anymore and no one listens anymore. He will forever be my best friend, my co-coffee addict, my partner. 2 yrs later some people in town still call me the black widow. But what was pressing was living through my friends multiple attempts each one worse than the next. Just wanted to share. In another dream, I saw him smiling at me, wearing one of his big white t-shirts with a hole in the front, with his hair all messed up, like he just woke up. Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 1:10 pm Reply, Johnny, Im so very sorry for your loss and for all of the pain youve been forced to endure. I second guess every choice I have made now. Ask for help if/when you need it. I promis to you that I will help you . He also had substance issues, but the mental illness really took precedence over all of that. If I would have known he was suffering I would have dropped everything to be with him. Since hes been with me for the last 8 years he has had a safe environment. Our business has been struggling through Covid, and it will fall apart if I take time off, especially now that Ive taken on her role in addition to my own. Try and overlook the emotions your feeling long enough to sit and think whatever it was that made your Dad make that call was bigger then his love for you and it was a darkness that was just too much for him. Everyone feels so guilty. For Deaf, Hard of Hearing, and People with Speech Disabilities who use a TTY, call 1-800-799-4TTY (4889). Sadly one night I slept through the night and my son completed suicide, nothing could have prepared me for the pain, grief or sorrow that I still go through, the total lack of empathy. A month later he ended his life. Thank you for the article, its helping me, my husband and my children to heal. My big sister. My son died from depression related to bi-polar disorder on 9-4-2017. . It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. The right counselor could help to provide a supportive and nonjudgmental place to work through all the complicated experiences and emotions your dealing with. Maybe if I had said something, or sat at his lunch table with him that day, or called him or anything at all he would still be here right now. i love him so much. Its gotten hard to hold a job. Either way, be well my friend. My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, its going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. He had dropped out of medical school about half a year earlier and we assumed he needed some time alone. I wake up to remind myself hes not a phone call away anymore. Aibon February 8, 2017 at 11:56 pm Reply, I say my brother took his life bc killed himself feels rude. They informed me that shortly before 1pm, she stepped in front of a westbound freight train 1.5 miles away from home. He was 49. It was hard and still is. That being said, you can feel free to comment with any questions here and I will do my best to answer them. He paid me alimony uninterrupted until about 8 months ago when he started being late or missing payments. Life doesnt seem worth living with her standing on my throat. ( I know that sounds bad but let me explain). PTSD is real, and something that needs to be seriously addressed, well before it spirals and possibly turns deadly, as it did with my little sister. He is the reason for the type of music I like, the movies and video games i like. My family does not understand. I have recently went on lithium, lifting depression slightly. not at all. I was against the marriage. Sept. 20, 2019-For 20 years, I have been healing from the loss of my son to suicide. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. My dad shot himself dec 22 2020. Apparently the blast wave causes injuries all throughout the brain.This can cause cognitive deterioration, leading to PTSD symptoms, mental illness, etc. Got with this girl that was toxic for him, started losing everything no phone, no job, no money, pretty much nothing. Although a few months ago when this happened, I started to become negative. Linda January 21, 2022 at 2:13 pm Reply. In fact if I hadnt been looking for the most painless way to commit suicide Id have never found you at all. We were separated because of a court no contact order that I never wanted but was supposed to be for my benefit when it happened. Unresolved grief will catch up with you as you have found out. I have no words to explain the heartache or pain and I have begged and begged to just wake up and have it all be a cruel joke. Hold that friend close. He had everything going for him. I want to be who I was before him, a whole person who doesnt have anothers issues running their life. If youre concerned, it never hurts to seek out a little support and psychoeducation from a therapist or counselor. He dropped out of school. He found out I self-harmed. I was so moved by your story and am so very sorry for your incredible loss/trauma. Once we got home we decided to ride around the neighborhood and smoke a cigarette and drink a beer. Seeing all the people that loved him and reading about the things he did for people. I could have given my life for hers but, as a big sister, she took that idea. No amount of time will mend this heart of ours. I know everyone experiences and grieves differently, but if anyone wants to chat. I was with him every day for the past year working with him and he thought me everything I know. so much could have been done to prevent my friends death, as an adult looking back its hard not to miss this! I have no one in my family or friends who truly understands what Im going through . One morning he woke up and started drinking heavily. Ill never understand any of this. Id never seen my father cry until this and I am struggling as I have to go back to school to teach soon. I collapsed right into another friends arms and he had to hold me up because I couldnt. Or its pointless, and hell be right. That I failed him as a father. The hospital had prescribed lithium and this treatment was extremely effective, until my friend found out she was pregnant. My precious daughter took her life on July 7th 2019. I'm still in disbelief and honestly so angry. Not my baby! Here I am 24 years old I dont understand any of it. It was difficult for me at first, but we supported him with his hormone therapy and mastectomy. I just remember getting out of the car and falling to my knees crying no. I met someone and moved to Vancouver and my daughter stayed in the place I rented for 20 yearsthen my daughteroh forget it it.. My nieces and nephews witour their Papa. Everywhere reminds me of him. Anxiety and depression run in my family so I was able to offer her good advice and accept the way she was feeling without judging her. I found messages from a boy telling her she should kill herself. My 25 year old brother hanged himself alone in his home. this is my double edged sword, my catch 22: end myself to end my suffering/end myself to rid the guilt for deceiving this amazing person/rid myself because there lies no hope of my head getting better. I cant know your pain, but I cant tell you that I searched randomly on Google, found your entry and felt compelled to type this out. For her the hard part is over now, for us it is just beginning. Erin could not live without her daughter. I was unable to go to the viewing, as by the time I found out about it, I had already made plans to visit family out of state and could not change them. But I cant. Join a 12 step program. I NEED PRAYERS ASAP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! Just know that having this experience will help you to be a more compassionate and loving person. I would sign the paper work to release him. I had been in so much emotional pain. 1 hr at a time. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/, Dawn September 2, 2022 at 7:14 pm Reply, Chris, when I read what you wrote it was as if Im reading something written by my son. We were so happy. I am trying, slowly, to read them all. This event along with a few others, sent me on a trajectory that led me to the present day, making it my lifes work helping others. Please be kinder. I laid back down and heard the voicemail chime, I read the transcribe and saw words indicating an officer called. Im a die-hard football fan (raiders nfl and wolverines NCAA). I dont know how, or when, but it will. My fiance and I were sitting on the couch watching tv until he suddenly shut the tv off, cuddled me very silently for half an hour, then pulled a gun out from nowhere and shot himself while I was trying to pull it off of his head. And that he was in pain. Try to live your best life in her honor, thats what I am going to do. Remember your grieving too and your feelings are valid. I found a wonderful therapist who helped me unsort the complicated mess our lives had become. Katharina July 24, 2019 at 6:06 am Reply. I miss him so much and while I always knew it was a possibility to lose him in this way, it wasnt expected/detectable this time and that mixed with my past of always being there except this time is making this so much harder. Critics praised the intimate nature of Kirk, titled after his last name, on which DaBaby, 28 . she probaably neever thought of me but I always thought of her but didnt want to get too involvled and now she is dead. Wishing you strength and good days to come. We just buried her this past Friday. Although its been 30 years its affected everything I do and say. He doesnt go anywhere without it. This refers to something that you are running away from are not accepting but will help you in some way. YOU DESERVE LIFE! He just refused any help. He would defend us to anyone. Kelly Sorah September 11, 2018 at 4:13 am Reply. He was going through immense depression at such a young age of 17. He didnt show any signs prior nor did we see any. Charlotte Crosset January 20, 2021 at 4:16 pm Reply. Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. Know that you will never be the same againand that you can survive and even go beyond surviving. Ive read various posts on here, and I know your pain. I found myself thinking OK, I was abused as a baby,a child , a wife now Im elderly and my own daughter!So I had a hard time moving past it and instead of trying to understand why she might be doing this I became angry. At first when I saw the sealed car I worried that my new neighborhood isnt safe. And then I think about how blas I was; how I managed to be so friendly, but not personal, not welcoming. If that were something you would find comfort in, you would have arrived upon that conclusion yourself I am so sorry for the lack of understanding and empathy you have found in the world. The blame and guilt is suffocating. But sometimes I just feel that I am not responsible for others feelings and I am carrying a terrible live. I want someone to tell me that hes not dead, that it was a mistake. Could I have done something to help before it was too late? Because of his past history of cheating,I was very suspicious. here seems like a good place to just, i dont know, put it out? I am going to also contact a spiritual church and see if I can get some closure. That image will never go away. Suicide has left me with intense anxiety, triggers are everywhere, agoraphobia is getting worse as the years pass and I feel guilt for not being able to change the outcome of this nightmare that entered my world at 21 yrs old. He was never treated or diagnosed with anything related to mental health disorders. I pushed her away to protect myself and the guilt is overwhelming. Four minutes he was gone. All the best to you. Telling each other that every day. Linda My son took his life by hanging on 16th February this year. It sounds like you do have people in your life,I hope you decide to live for them. Thank you, Zane. I just feel like Im drowning ? So sorry for your loss. I worked in Childrens Service when this happened and I was treated poorly, due to people not knowing how to approach me. But I wish I just couldve heard his voice one last time. * After an argument . So it will all be the same. He had so much going for him. My husband chose to end his life three and a half years ago. But I will NEVER have that unless I create it myself starting with me. I knew from her that her teenage son had been telling her to kill him and then kill herself repeatedly, and she was trying to get the state or school system to intervene and take him. June Hutson November 12, 2019 at 4:57 pm Reply. Even though in my head that I am not to blame, you instantly have an intense feeling of self-blame and guild. Even in elementary school, she had deep cuts in her wrists. Im angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.Im told I missed out on inevitable heartache. Youre strong for deciding to live your life finally, and dont let anyones judgment of that affect you. I feel so terrible for his family and I cant imagine how they are feeling. My parents care so much on her death they have forgotten to care about the rest of their children . You should find groups for help and its not that difficult to make friends whk would actually care about you. . My biggest thing is we all knew she was struggling with the pregnancy and did what we thought was everything in our power to help her. They entered into the apartment to find him hanging. . Thank you for the love and words of advice, kind stranger. She left us because there was a create deal of abuse and abandonment in her life. I told all of my close friends what I was doing and they supported me. With permission from Iris Bolton. Then, 3 days ago my daughter called to tell me he shot himself. This grief, this pain, this confusion, all of it is going to have its place.