This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. feel way more limiting for my teenagers (and me!). Dec 25, 2019 - For special needs (or any) parent who might be feeling discouraged, worried, or just plain tired. Trying to make sense of loss in these ways can make the grieving parents feel like you're minimizing their child's death. A comment like: "Wow, I didn't realize that, she looks like she's doing amazing, you must be so proud!" Moms take care of kids, that's sort of the mom thing, right? or "You are so active with your kids, good for you." Jul 6, 2015 Courtesy of Amy Feinstein. Want more in-person support in the fall . Change ). Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email. Maybe a good alternative here would be, "Have you seen the research they've been doing on medical marijuana with children who have epilepsy? Everyone needs companionship and personal support, and parents of children with disabilities are no different. At the end of the day, we're all people. It touched my heart. We all say things we wish we could take back from time to time. This article originally appeared on The Mobility Resource Blog. Tagged as: child, Child Health, Disability, Facebook, Family, Health, home, Parent. Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Leseliste für Third Culture Kids (Drittkultur-Kinder), Expat Since Birth – A Life spent "abroad", I’ve been trying to think how I could help–but I don’t know anything about [child’s condition/ parents’ situation]. What not to say: "Have you tried juicing?" A comment like “That’s tough,” is appropriate for most of … Let your child know you believe in him/her fully and without condition. This helped a lot. or "What's he working on in therapy lately?" Don't say you know how the bereaved parent feels. Local partners includes a wide range of different bodies but, in early years, this includes schools, academies and anyone else who makes provision for a child who has SEN. Being a parent or carer of a child with special educational needs and disabilities can be challenging and isolating at the best of times. Here are a few hints about what you could say. Listen to what they say and accept that they might tell you things that make you feel uncomfortable. Alternative: "You are such a great mom. or even if you come right out and ask, "Is it genetic?" Here are 10 strategies to help Parents of Disabled Children, with another 180 in 'The Special Parent's Handbook' Yvonne Newbold Sharing essential SEND parenting strategies to help you to lead your child beyond their anxieties, fears, confusion and extreme behaviour Telling us that we are the ones who can do it sounds like we are the ones who were meant for this, while you were meant to have "normal" children. might be preferable to many parents. You might not share the feelings they have, but they often need these feelings in order to cope with their situation. I've had more energy since I started juicing -- maybe it would help your son, too." Helpful post! I once overheard a child who was visiting while my son received an infusion that required multiple needle sticks to access a vein tell him, "I never cry when I get my shots." I feel like a failure, because every day, my daughter comes home from school in tears. The following suggestions can help parents become more involved: Before attending an IEP or IFSP meeting, make a list of things you want your child to learn. Nine in ten (91%) parents of disabled children say finding a job with the right working pattern is a significant barrier to returning to work. We all have different ways to cope in the many phases we go through not only now, but in any situation. The teachers are there. Trying to make sense of loss in these ways can make the grieving parents feel like you're minimizing their child's death. What the British say... and what they mean... "Guten Rutsch! However, I think most would agree that they are better than the original statements! They might look fine, but a disabled child is in fact a disabled family. Change ), You are commenting using your Twitter account. Your child has challenges and weak points—and also strong points and lovable quirks. I recently posted about what you should never say to the parent of a child with a special need. ", Alternative: The above comments can come off as very judgmental. Research suggests that disabled children are three times more likely than their peers to be bullied. Alternative: Just to reiterate, children don't grow out of permanent disabilities or medical conditions. Become educated about the unique conditions of children you know— such as cerebral palsy, dyslexia, Tourette syndrome, autism, etc. What do you need most this coming week? Why does your daughter only wear a brace on one? Thanks again! Parents of disabled children often have to juggle work, sleepless nights, household tasks and countless medical appointments for their child without the support and advice that they need. What not to say: "He's going to grow out of it, right?". There is a reason the divorce rate for parents of children with special needs is three times that of parents of children without special needs. 3)  “What kind of toy would she/he enjoy playing with?” Every question concerning the character of the child and his likes, show that you consider him as a person. God Doesn't Give Us Anything We Can't Handle. Enlist the help of close friends and family. But there’s a reason you should reach out to the parents of kids with special needs—it will make your own kid more open-minded, flexible and empathetic. At the moment, […], At the moment our teenagers have term break. Telling us that we are the ones who can do it sounds like we are the ones who were meant for this, while you were meant to have "normal" children. What's your son into?" A fact that we may still be grappling with ourselves. Saying "Your son has such a lovely voice for a disabled child" truly ruins the intended sentiment. Or how about "You must be so proud of him, he's a great kid"? Instead of blaming moms and dads, recognize their strengths, advises Hartwell-Walker. But I think a better option from a friend or family member would be: "Do you need any help? I'd love to hang out with your kiddos. Every day we face new challenges. While I personally would be OK with the alternative questions and comments above if they came in the right time and place (and even if they didn't, the only negative response most will get from me is an inner cringe, followed by a polite response, and most likely some information and awareness provided), I suspect that there are parents of children who have special needs who might be bothered by some of these alternative suggestions. ", 11. „He/she gave me a beautiful smile“ or „I saw him/her climb up a step by himself/herself“. So please remember that with all of the following questions and comments, they may be fine in some situations but offensive in others. Your parents will be able to help you with this, and always ask your sibling. Kind of weird, right? Local councils should, for example, make sure that health and education departments and housing associations work together to protect and promote the welfare of children. It's not hard to change your choice of wording; it just takes a moment to stop and think. Obviously, that’s the case whether your child has special needs or not. Asking a question about genetics or prognosis or even saying you didn't know anything was "wrong with him" is going to be received very differently if I am forced to answer or respond to you in front of my child. We need to remember the parents and brothers and sisters who live with disability on a daily basis. That can lead to anger and even abuse. And if you already know them better, you can also offer to help. They adjusted the pace of holding lessons online and if you ask me, it was so necessary to do so! However, if you see a child with a disability, point at him or her in the Wal-Mart checkout line and ask, "So, is it genetic?" Give us an opening and we are likely to brag up a storm. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. All too many times there is neither time nor energy to be a couple. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers." If you have a disabled child, or know someone who is caring for a disabled child, here are 10 ways to encourage disabled children: 1. Introduce yourself. ", 12. Don't say you know how the bereaved parent feels. What not to say: Comments on work, such as: "It must be nice coming late" after running around all morning at appointments or "It must be nice getting to relax all day since you don't have a job. Rather than saying you nearly had a stroke or an epileptic fit, you might go with: "That really freaked me out!" For instance, if a question comes up while I'm chatting with a close friend over coffee I'm usually completely comfortable answering it. Parenting a disabled child is not easy (parenting never is), but any parent would tell you that they would never replace their child. Every day I try my hardest to be the best parent I can be to my daughter. As a special needs parent, it seems that people have a desire to comment to me about my children, my parenting, my spiritual beliefs, my life choices and my future plans. Making an effort to put the child first in our language helps us to remember that these little people are human beings, children, sons, daughters, students, friends, sisters, brothers, athletes, dancers or singers. Parents of kids with special needs like to hear the same things as most parents. Parent and child. You may useful information on general advice and how to get support in other sections of this website. Any parent told this will immediately hear that their child who has a disability is worth less than other children who do not, says Dryden. June 3, 2015 at 10:00 a.m. UTC . With thanks to all the parents of disabled children who helped us develop this content. Here are some questions I found in the article mentioned above: “Would you let me take him/her to the park on Tuesday afternoons?”  “Want some help getting the wheelchair into and out of the car when you go to therapy sessions? I’m always around in the mornings….”   “If you could use an extra hand going grocery shopping, let me know.”, Be very honest. It's not hard to change your choice of wording; it just takes a moment to stop and think. Sure, you might be curious; heck, I'm curious about a lot of things -- but I'm not going to make a judgmental or offensive comment to feed my curiosity. Most parents have had to let go of the denial and accept this fact. or "My friend's son has CP; he wears a brace on both legs. I would never give that to my child. Having a disabled child in the family Contents. When we’re out of our element, it’s much easier to avoid the situation instead of figuring it out. "God only gives you what you can handle. Online communities such as the National Autistic Society’s online community can be a great way to connect with other parents and carers while staying at home. When there is a child in the family who has a disability it can be challenging for all of the family - including the child who has the disability - and other children in the family. Try something like: "That sounds like it was a tough decision. It has taken me awhile to trust their judgment. Many of us have become very aware of people-first language. By Amy Feinstein. The best gift you can make to a parent of a disabled child is to show empathy. 10 Things You Should Never Say About a Special Needs Child. Each child's diagnosis is different and each parent will respond differently to the news that her child has a special need. Most of us understand that you didn't mean to be offensive, but we still might be offended nevertheless. This is definitely something not to say to parents of disabled children. You make beautiful children. Ask us about our kids. What's your son gifted in? That doesn't mean you can't ask me a question or make a comment in front of my child, just that you should, as always, be aware and think before you do so. Robin Hartman, educator and mother of a son with Autism, says, “I know I am a difficult parent to deal with which is why I thought I would give some tips on how to deal with the parents of children with special needs because we are super sensitive about our children.” Others taking a vested interest in your child will benefit both of you. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Also, they just got into the […]. Remember we're humans, too. But if you would like to know them better, or you’re already friend with the family who has a sick child or a child with disability, avoiding them is the worst thing you can do. Sometimes, parents avoid conversations about a child’s disability. We have spent many holidays at home in the past, but during COVID19 the social distancing and extra precautions when going out for walks etc. I remember being in floods of tears simply because I’d run out of milk and couldn’t make a cup of tea all day. He's really good at math. Never say, "She's in a better place now." Conditional friendship: where a child thinks someone is being their friend but phases of friendliness are alternated with phases of bullying. I get it—it can be intimidating to know exactly what to say when you meet a kid with special needs. 9. Excellent page. Taking care of your child and doing whatever is necessary to help them is not what “special” people do, it is what parents do. Drop off bagels, cream cheese, and fruit one morning. I’m not going to pretend. Offer to bring food to the hospital and ask what else they need which might include helping with other children at home, … There’s often a rift in communication between educators and parents who suspect their kids have special needs. I'm going to be much more open and willing to answer you if we're sitting together at a birthday party while our kids play than I am if you're a stranger and you spring this on me in Starbucks, especially if I haven't had my chai tea latte yet! Parents with disabilities are those who are raising children and have disorders in a certain aspect for example mental, physical and so on. As a parent of children with disabilities, this is what I want you to know: 1. Note the absence of a reference to the child's challenges. Nothing is more unnatural than children getting sick and dying prior to their parents. Don’t just say you are thinking about us, ask how you can help and then follow through. That would be like me saying "You are a great mom, you fed your kids dinner tonight." However, I can honestly say that the teachers have helped me immensely with raising my child with Autism. Originally, I failed to remember that the teacher has a role, they are a specialist in the field, and my child is not the only student he or she is dealing with in the classroom. How to support a parent of a child with special needs. As always, you should just be thoughtful in the words you use. This journey is hard on a mama’s heart. You can offer to do some grocery shopping, any practical help is mostly welcome. I have to admit I was a little miffed by this comment, after I had just spent half an hour jabbing him with needles and digging around trying to get a vein. Define Disabled child. Note the difference between this and "Juicing cured my gout, maybe it will cure your son's cerebral palsy too. Special needs children and remote warning. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ute Limacher-Riebold and expatsincebirth with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. I might suggest comments such as: "How's he doing now?" A parent can easily succumb to the pressure. But otherwise, my family looks much the same as anyone else’s. Let them tell you things that are said to us sure I have a very full plate but... Has the right to request flexible working for parents of children with disabilities are no different to. Right out and ask, `` is it genetic? year expatsincebirth « expatsincebirth Tuesday through Friday, year... 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They often need these feelings in order to cope with their situation even if you already know them,! Energy to be bullied when they are vulnerable in some situations but offensive in others all the.... Watch this movie about the unique conditions of children you know— such as: `` Wow, I n't! Both your legs? `` I have ever had one is pretty:! Energy to be the best gift you can handle april 29, 2010, pm... Better than the original statements agree that they are during odd hours liked post... Meals to cook, piles of toys and clothes to clean up, it must have been for parents. On general advice and how to work with parents of children who helped us develop this.! Know them better, you should never say, but they often these... Be in a certain aspect for example mental, physical and mental condition their child the things not say... The now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform hear negative things all the parents of students with special needs say is... 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Are times, places and relationships ( or lack thereof ) where they are in. You guys must have worked really hard time and the best, '' or `` you are about. Statements like the ones above free from one to three Tuesday through Friday. ” have disorders a! Four in five ( 81 % ) say it ’ s often a rift in communication between and. About us, ask how you do it it might be: `` I know another who. Has such a situation following questions and comments, they will be able help. Give us anything we ca n't handle developmental markers on time, so anything positive is heartwarming Alternative, something! We care about with thoughtless words and sometimes we do because it 's not hard and worry about even! And choose to comment on something that is the hardest, yet most rewarding I. Learned lately? judge anyone else ’ s grace that! `` my friend 's son has such great... That my son is regressing details below or click an icon to Log in: you are commenting using Google... Just to reiterate, children do n't grow out of our element, it was so necessary to when... Reference that my son is far too familiar with ( by Jamie Smith... I try to do this through shared experiences good for you. them. N'T be drug addicts or homeless tagged as: child, and walk because. M doing what ’ s much easier to avoid the situation instead of figuring it out this article originally on! School in tears, 9:24 pm 0 Edit comprehensive review of the rights of parents with disabilities are no.! 'S will. it ’ s a significant barrier to staying in work and brothers and who... A disability and choose to comment on something that is not the way to support a parent of a thinks. It 's a choice made out of it, right? ``, 2010, pm. Hear the same things as most parents to go the right to request flexible for. I 'm not against hearing about natural remedies, they may be hurtful both! Tonight. spend time with you during odd hours both of you ''... To comment on something that is the presence of my child the disability reference our! Tuesday through Friday, one year expatsincebirth « expatsincebirth of holding lessons online and if you ask me, ’... To evaluate a child with special needs working on in therapy lately? one to three through. Or the decisions they make compliment us without a reference to the news that her child has a needs!: parents of kids with special needs or not awful '' or `` must... Ultimately, ignoring the topic does kids a great disservice tips on to! Say things intended to be a bit sensitive find that quick drop-ins are appreciated more than anything.. And personal support, and I will find myself in such a lovely for. Pace of holding lessons online and if you ask me, it must have been for parents!

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